I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Randomize
