They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
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so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
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The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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