if i can run in heels then i can drive
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
