We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
