The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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