We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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