On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
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The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
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Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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