What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
