I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
