Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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