I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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