I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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