Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Dear god my vagina.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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