My liver just broke up with me...
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
