Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Houston, we have a squirter
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
