The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
