wakey wakey hands off snakey
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
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I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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