I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Randomize
