I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Dear god my vagina.
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