when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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