I'm so fucking centered right now
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
