She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
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Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
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We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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