I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I FOUND THE LEGS
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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