...so i touched it.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
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A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
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I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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