I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
BRING THE BAGELS
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
