Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
