We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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