How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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