there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
