remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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