Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
