Fine. I'll sleep in my office
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Rumble strips road head = magical
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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