Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Randomize
