I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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