i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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