Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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