Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
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