I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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