I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
