6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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