We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
