trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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