I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
i need some magic done to my vagina
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
