Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
