update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
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