There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
