I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
