just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
