He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Randomize
