i already hear my dad disowning me
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
My butt remains clenched, sir.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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