it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
