shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
