He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
So squirting runs in the family.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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