i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
