Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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